


Of Theories and Wonder

by lillovingsoul



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half-Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Benrey Is Not Human, DEATH IS MENTIONED AND EXISTS HERE please be careful when reading, I PROMISE SSHDSJH, M/M, Swearing, Trans Gordon Freeman, it ISNT permanent though please do not worry no sads allowed, this is my first work ever on AO3 and I am Scared
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:13:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25432165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lillovingsoul/pseuds/lillovingsoul
Summary: “You’re not shooting us. Not shooting me. It’s a trick, it’s gotta be, why—Why aren’t you shooting!?”As he looked up, shouting again, he could swear the mass of disformed odd limbs and fabric above him flinched. Benrey was silent then, for only a second, but that was one second too many. Gordon knew this as much as anyone – Benrey never shut the fuck up before.“You have to shoot first. Have to.”In which the final boss battle goes fairly differently because Gordon finally Listened and let himself Realize some things.PLEASE BE WARY OF THE TAGS AND WARNINGS.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman, Bubby/Dr. Coomer (Half-Life)
Comments: 22
Kudos: 317





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello yes, I haven't ever posted here before, and English isn't my first language either, so if you see any mistakes, just please gently point them out to me. Also I haven't played or watched any actual HL content so there's that too.
> 
> I would like to take a moment to thank every single person writing fanfiction for this fandom and pair, reading through all the fluffy, sad and funny stories here has helped me a lot when I was stressed out of my mind getting my bachelor's degree and then writing my entrance exams. I only got into HLVRAI about 2 months ago, it's been such a wonderful thing getting through the videos and then discovering just how creative the fandom was as well. Thank you all so much, you're all doing amazing.  
> This thing - basically I just wrote down and developed further a daydream I had. The beginning is pretty sad, but we get out of it and Everyone gets a good ending. I hope, if you do decide to read it, you enjoy it.  
> Thank you :')

It was enormous, seemingly endless even. With the walls dark, the water beneath murky and inky, and the top of the construction rising up, up above into the stifle darkness, Gordon had trouble orienting himself and willing his senses to understand his exact distance from the slimy, constantly oozing walls. He felt lost, dizzy, slipping and nearly falling over, his legs drifting in different directions again and again every couple of minutes or so.

The thing attacked all of his senses too, never making it easier to orient. The constant Sweet Voice, different colors and notes, some alarming, some soothing, tripping him up and willing him to slow down while also scaring him into panic, making his heartbeat audible for his own ears, pulsing, booming.

The skeletons zooming around producing said Sweet Voice didn’t help either, appearing and disappearing in his peripheral vision, making him constantly keep turning around and re-aiming his gun, when he already had a hard time gripping his right arm with his only hand, currently overwhelmed with trembles and constant micro movements.

His eyes however, were overwhelmed the most. Besides the skeletons and their glowing voice blinding him from all directions, the darkness was suffocating and making them all the more staggering, the contrast of light and dark making his head spin. Yet he could barely even focus on all these colors, the bones and eyeless faces, when the only thing truly grabbing his attention was right in the middle of it all. A great waymark, really, practically the only thing giving his senses proper information as to what was left and right in this cacophony of noises and light blurs.

Benrey.

He was up above the trembling water, the center of the culminative scene, stuck in the viscous air, stretched and disfigured, limbs at odd angles, neck impossibly long, head an unrecognizable shape now. Gordon couldn’t let himself look away, his eyes refusing to grasp the being, his brain unable to process exactly _what_ was in front of him. And all the while his thoughts ran rampant, panicked, looking for answers to impossible questions, screaming both in fear and astonishment, panic and anger, even through all of that, he could still hear him. His laughter. His nonsensical phrases and shouts. He was ever loud and completely uninformative, only covering Freeman’s mind in even more ropy web strings, practically making him incapable of thinking a complete thought at all.

He was trying to listen, he really was, but the more he tried to focus on the words he heard before and the new ones being continuously spewed into the echo-y chamber, the more he lost track. None of it made sense. It was all incomprehensible chatter, completely useless. And the more he tried to latch onto it, hold it tight in his grip, the more tangled he himself became. Gordon was so distracted he barely noticed he was being encased into a Sweet Voice cocoon, his limbs barely able to move, and at the time when he finally cried out for help, the rest of the Science Team freed him almost completely.

Gordon shook his head briefly, turning around and gesturing to each of his friends, thanking them. All of them look worried, the physicist could catch a glance of fear even behind Bubby’s foggy glasses, and as they all glanced between each other, fearfully and briefly eyeing Benrey and the retrieating skeleton army, Freeman couldn’t help but feel the terror himself. What were they to do against this? He knew Benrey wasn’t a good guy, hell, he has been a dick and an asshole every second out of the time Gordon knew him. He also knew he was dangerous, and somehow always came back after dying, or sometimes even withstood a barrage of bullets unhinged. But somehow, maybe out of fear as well, Gordon just never thought he’d have to actually face him as a legit enemy. Benrey seemed aloof, relaxed most of the times. Quiet, then briefly loud, and then quiet again, only making deadpan remarks and throwing around silly phrases. Yet right now, he just wasn’t stopping – a constant barrage of overwhelmingly loud and screechy laughter, noises, disjointed phrases. He honestly felt like a wind-up toy gone rogue, re-programmed to say every one of its lines in rapid and unending succession. It didn’t sound right. He sounded like he was bluffing, overplaying himself. Like a child trying to keep their parents’ attention away from a broken plate with mindless rambles.

Like he was trying to hide something.

“I am unsure of what to do, Gordon,” – finally, Coomer piped up with a barely audible statement. Bubby just abruptly nodded beside him, moving closer in a barely noticeable side-step, all the while sternly glancing up at the creature stuck above them all.

“We should listen and try to understand. He’s trying to tell us something!” – Tommy gesticulated wildly with his hands, exasperated. He sounded desperate, and scared. Gordon felt his heart shrink and sting bitterly at seeing all of his, - very different, weird and unconventional, but still, - friends being so uncharacteristically frightened. He was scared and confused himself, but seeing the people who usually shrugged off any of the great dangers they’ve faced so far, up to this very point, suddenly showing clear sighs of fear, made him even more unnerved.

“I _have_ been listening. He doesn’t make any sense, he never had! He’s just saying the first crap that comes to his mouth, I don’t think even _he_ knows what he’s saying at this point!” – it wasn’t even an excuse, Gordon honestly believed that listening right now would do them absolutely no good. – “Look, Tommy, I know you’re trying to help, and I heard you and tried that, but honestly? I don’t know why you’d even propose to listen to him after all we’ve been through!”

There was something else in Tommy’s eyes now, brief but certain. Something important, yet Gordon chose to ignore it, just like many other things, and before the scientist could even open his mouth, Freeman was already turning away, his only hand coming up to grip his right gun arm, steadying himself and aiming upwards, shoulders hunched and stance steady.

“There’s nothing we can do but try to shoot that thing down,” – he muttered bitterly, and so he fired, the sound drowning out Tommy’s cries of protest. But almost immediately, Gordon nearly tripped over himself, his bodily position wobbly as a booming voice from above, somehow even louder than before, called out seemingly targeted at him now.

“Stop shooting! Man, don’t shoot, I’ll have to shoot back bro,” – and as the sentence died down, the entity above him going rigid, seemingly trying to shut himself up, Gordon’s eyes widened as the entire Science Team scattered away from each other, one of the glowing energy orbs barely missing Freeman’s good shoulder.

“What the fuck man!” – he couldn’t help but shout, anger clear as day in his words as Gordon tried to steady himself after fleeing forward, away from the flack of orbs. – “What do you mean stop shooting? What, you’re not gonna shoot unless we do!?”

“Yea man, if you shoot I have to shoot too. So just stop, stop with your dumb fingernails gun. I don’t want to shoot,” - the way Benrey said that - it sounded so overplayed yet his words got wobbly now, speech volume uneven. Gordon stared upwards, stunned, lowering his gun hand without even meaning to.

“What do you mean—What the _fuck_ Benrey? Aren’t you—You’re the one attacking us!” – arms thrown to the sides, he screamed incredulously. The physicist’s right eye twitched, ponytail swishing wildly behind him as he let himself get a brief glance around to see all of his friends safe and sound, not far away from him, Coomer and Bubby stuck in a tense battle stance, looking between him and Benrey cautiously, and Tommy just hunched, hands clasping each other in front of him as he looked up at the entity with a gaze Gordon didn’t care enough at the moment to decipher. He turned and looked back up, moderately satisfied. At least no one got hurt from his own mistake this time.

“Am **not**. You’re shooting, you dumb—Dumbface, stupid Feetman. If you shoot, I have to shoot back, it’s—I have to.”

Gordon felt himself caught completely off guard at how unsure he sounded then.

“Aren’t you—“

“Shoot if you want actually, I don’t care anymore. C’mon, what, got cold feet? Stupid dumb chicken hat, head empty? What, I’m too scary for you, can’t shoot? Fine, I’ll shoot first then, have to— Gotta do everything myself in this house,” – the more he talked, the faster and louder he got, and as he finally stopped, Gordon flinched, bending his legs, fist clenched, ready to jump or run away.

And yet, there was just silence after that. For a moment, the physicist could only hear the water slushing below at his legs. A moment of blissful, stunning peace. And at the next moment, he snapped.

“What… what the fuck is going on. You’re not shooting. You’re not gonna shoot unless we do. What the fuck,” – Gordon could only muster to mumble, hands going up to rest at the sides of his head as he hunched over. – “You’re not shooting us. Not shooting me. It’s a trick, it’s gotta be, why—Why aren’t you shooting!?”

As he looked up, shouting again, he could swear the mass of disformed odd limbs and fabric above him flinched. Benrey was silent then, for only a second, but that was one second too many. Gordon knew this as much as anyone – Benrey never shut the fuck up before.

“You have to shoot first. Have to,” – he voiced, unhelpfully as ever. As Gordon bore into him with his stare, he evidently forced himself to continue: - “Why aren’t _you_ shooting, huh, Feetman? You always do, you look at this here epic face and you shoot. It’s what you do. Fingernails machine broke?”

Gordon snorted in disbelief, and as Benrey above him slowly rotated seemingly to see him better, he plopped down into the water, getting the HEV suit almost entirely wet, the water now barely beneath his armpits. He sat down and stared right in front of him, quiet. Behind him, the water splashed around as Tommy moved closer to stand behind him, but Gordon didn’t see that. He just looked on into the darkness as the skeletons floated around much slower now, swaying, almost calmingly so, around the group. Gordon took a deep breath, trying to refocus his gaze, and exhaled heavily, letting himself feel the air leave his lungs. He lowered his good hand into the water, clenching it and feeling the resistance even through the glove. He rested his gun hand underwater, uncaring if it’s actually fully waterproof, not questioning when he discovered and confirmed that before either. And finally, he slowly lifted his chin, looking up at the entity, now twisted at an even odder angle, yet with its face now completely turned to him, staring at his resting form the best it could. Benrey was silent. Whether that was what he wanted to be, or if he was trying to hide something again, Gordon didn’t know. He couldn’t have known even if he asked, he realized. He let himself sigh again.

Slow inhale. Pause. Slow but complete exhale. Repeat.

“Why are we doing this. You don’t want to fight us? Why are we… Why don’t we just go then?” – he sounded defeated. Baffled yet calm. Quieter than before. He noticed Benrey hover closer, as if to hear better. Behind him, more people moved closer too.

“You can’t,” – was all Benrey mustered. It sounded short of breath, like he wanted to say much more before but only let his thoughts out at the very end.

“Why?” – Gordon continued. For the first time in forever, he felt like he was having an actual dialogue with Benrey. Something was going on, and even though he had no outright answers, somehow he was getting _something_ out of this.

“You have to end this to move on. The—The level, the final boss. You can’t get an ending if you didn’t finish playing,” – it sounded distant. Yet certain. Gordon believed what he heard, and he was listening – more than he ever cared to before.

“Are… And you are “ _the boss_ ”?” – he asked, his head tilting lightly to the side. Benrey stayed perfectly still. The seconds trickled by yet he didn’t seem to want to answer. Or maybe he couldn’t. Why could he not be able to though? Why would Gordon think this? It didn’t make any sense. Behind him he heard Tommy move again, and as he sat down at his right, hand coming to rest on Gordon’s shoulder, the physicist didn’t let himself look away. Benrey was keeping eye contact as well. He usually did anyway, now _that_ wasn’t unusual. – “If you are, but you don’t want to fight us… Could you not be? Like, can’t you just be a part of the team? No boss, everyone wins?”

“There has to be a boss,” – he voiced, not a second after Gordon finished. Now that’s more like it, that’s the Benrey he learned to know. Freeman tried to move those thoughts to a deeper part of his skull, instead focusing on what he heard and mustering up the thoughts to answer.

“But you don’t have to be the boss though, do you?” – he asked without a second thought. At his right, Tommy flinched, his grip on Gordon’s shoulder tightening. Yet he still didn’t look away.

“Someone has to be,” – short. Like he couldn’t say anymore. But for once, Gordon didn’t really need anymore. The rest, he could think for himself.

Now, he let himself look away. He turned his head to his right, and was momentarily stunned by just how scared Tommy looked. Gordon wanted to ask him what was wrong, to try and help him out, he could see the tears glistening in his eyes. But somehow, he felt he shouldn’t have. He had a thought to voice.

“What if instead, someone else is the boss? What if I get to be the boss? That’s much easier, right?”

“NO!” – sharply, Tommy shouted at him. There go the tears, - “Mister Freeman, you can’t do this! This is how it should be, Benrey has to be the one! We just have to do this and then we can move on, okay?”

“But he doesn’t want to fight us,” – Gordon deadpanned, barely processing the way distress welled up in the scientist’s eyes at that.

“Do **you** want to fight us? Can you even? Do you really think you could!?” – Tommy moved closer, both arms on the physicist’s shoulders now, turning his body to face him a bit more. There was so much emotion in his eyes then, so many different things. Gordon felt dazed, as he usually had when he was deep in thought, coming up with a plan, a solution. Inventing a new way of seeing and doing things. Tommy huffed in frustration, seeing his eyes skimming his face absentmindedly. And then, he got hit even harder.

“Maybe I don’t have to,” – Gordon stated, simple as day. Tommy’s eyes widened, stunned. The entity above them twisted at impossible angles in the physicist’s peripheral vision. Then it shrank. Then finally, it lowered down, hovering from side to side like an autumn leaf. As Gordon turned his head around, Benrey was standing right beside him, his usual height now, usual shape, the one Freeman learned to know. Knew to learn. Remembered.

Benrey lowered down in one choppy motion, one ankle burying itself in the water. Harshly, he got a hold of Gordon’s right arm, the gun arm, turning him around and freeing him from Tommy’s hold in the process.

“Fingernails. You have these bro, just shoot,” – his voice monotonous. Like asking about the weather when you’re not even planning to go out.

“No,” – Gordon said, almost sounding offended. Benrey’s grip on his arm only tightened, eyes stuck searching Freeman’s face, the apathy giving way to something else. Gordon couldn’t look deep enough to see, the shadow from the security helmet preventing him.

“You gotta shoot bro, this is how it works. You did this many times before, Gordon Freeman the world shoot-a-Benry speedrunner champion. World class professional gamer. Know all the strats. Did you forget how to, stupidhead? Just clench your arm or whatever, isn’t that how it works?” – eyes searching, searching. Gordon really wondered then, if maybe they were searching before all this too. It wasn’t the time for that though.

“Yeah,” – he raised his good hand, untangling Benrey’s arms away from the gun without much effort at all. He lowered his gun hand as soon as he could, using his left one for balance, grasping at the slimy bottom under the waters. – “But why should I fight you? That’s what you guys always do, I don’t—Never really wanted to fight if what I’m fighting doesn’t start first. Seems friendly. Like all those scientists. Like you now.”

“Bro, shut—Shut up, I’m trying. You just have to shoot, please? Too stupid to even clench your hand? C’mon,” – ah. Somehow, now Benrey was getting desperate too. Finally, Gordon thought. Finally, it feels like he can see at least some pieces of the puzzle. He could make out some parts of the whole picture through previous interactions. Dr Coomer’s clone freakout. Tommy’s “slides” as he fell upwards. A lot of it felt like small pieces to something much bigger now. Something he could grasp at least partially, enough to understand how to overcome it.

“I won’t shoot you. You’re not the boss anymore, it’s going to be me. I’m—I’m responsible for the cascade. I lead you here. I didn’t have my passport. You said those yourself. I should be the—“

“Stop, just—Stop, please?” – Benrey was sitting on his knees beside him now. Gordon looked him over, surprised. – “You have—No fucking clue what you’re talking about, just shut up. Shut up, you dumb fucking idiot, look at me. Don’t you hate me? Big mean and angry? Bleh-bleh, doesn’t that, make you angry?”

“Annoyed,” – Gordon corrected, otherwise nodding at the being. Benrey looked defeated for a fraction of a second. Gordon felt at peace with the world for the first time in years.

“What about—Your arm, huh? Lil bitch boy lost his arm? We were all there when that happened, doesn’t that—“

“What if you couldn’t help if you wanted to then,” – the physicist looked around at each of their faces. Tommy looked away in shame. Bubby met his gaze with a challenging one, but the worried Coomer beside him holding his shoulder steadily with unmasked worry on his face told Gordon all that he needed to know. As he turned around to face Benrey, the being’s shoulders lowered, his eyes full of—something. That helmet wasn’t helping at all. Gordon couldn’t help but smile lightly, just the very corners of his mouth going up. The way Benrey’s eyes widened really made him wonder. – “I’m glad to at least know that now. Glad… Glad I don’t have to doubt you being my friends.”

“Mr. Freeman, please, this is all wrong. You don’t know what you’re doing, we just have to go through this and—“ – Tommy silenced himself as abruptly as he started talking, seemingly choked up.

“What happens if the boss is defeated, Tommy?” – Gordon asked, as he searched his friend’s face. The scientist sniffed, scrunching his eyes closed instead.

“Home,” – was all Coomer said. The physicist bestowed him with a brief but thankful glance, giving him a small smile. Dr. Coomer didn’t seem encouraged by that in the slightest however. Beside him, Bubby snarled, but continued to be silent.

“And there’s no other way to get out of this?” – Gordon inquired, turning back to Tommy. The scientist shook his head, looking away, trying to wipe away his own stubbornly persistent tears.

“Then I should—“

“Stop,” – Gordon shook as Benrey latched onto his left arm, barely steadying himself with his gun flush against the slimy flooring as to not fall down into the water. The physicist turned around abruptly, his speech cut, mouth still slightly opened. Benrey looked at him, being closer now, and finally Gordon could _really_ take a glance into his eyes. A heavy, desperate gaze. He looked like his world was ending, - “You don’t get this. I can do this, you can’t. You’re a fleshy—meatsack, you don’t even have your arm anymore. I would. You can’t do anything I can, I have to be the one, because if you try you—You. Stupid, you—Can’t do this.”

Struggling with his words, but Gordon could still hear it. Could still understand the implications. He wasn’t stupid. Theorizing was his job, he was used to doing it so much it gave him unending anxiety most of the days. But right now, it just made him see clearer through all of the flat insults and unsaid words. With one light shrug, he freed his arm, only to take Benrey’s wrist in his hand at the very next moment. The being flinched lightly, and moved slightly closer as soon as a second passed. Gordon really didn’t have to wonder much now, easily noticing just _how_ Benrey looked at his hand holding his. He inhaled though, bringing the security guard’s attention up, towards his face. As he met his eyes, he smiled – sweet, but barely there, trying his best not to let it waver. Benrey seemed to be fooled easily enough, as the physicist watched him gulping shortly.

“Me and Joshua’s mom, we have a backup plan in case of an emergency,” – he started, quiet. He could feel Benrey’s hand tense in his almost momentarily. Still, he pressed on, - “He’s been at her place this whole time. He spends most of his time there. We only meet every other weekend. When me and his mom went our separate ways, I didn’t really want to think about it all that much. So I took more tasks, asked for more job opportunities here at Black Mesa. Some weeks, I got no days off at all.”

He searched Benrey’s eyes, and they met his with silent horror. He saw understanding there as well, but most of all, despite how little sense Benrey always seemed to make according to Gordon, he saw how somehow right now he seemed to understand him fully and completely. Maybe he always had, was listening and understanding. Just like Gordon never did to him, the complete opposite. It seemed kinda funny to him then, but only for a moment. He pressed on, trying not to think too much about it.

“This test, nobody at Black Mesa ever thought to put me on it. I just asked around, and one day another scientist told me that the testing personnel, the one who was supposed to take part in it, found… a way out before they could force them to. They’re fine now, I checked. But the test was seemingly compromised, before I stepped in. I can’t describe their surprise when I volunteered…” – Gordon chuckled, looking down in thought, his thumb drawing circles on the back of Benrey’s hand absentmindedly. The security guard felt rigid in his grip.

As he quieted down, silence surrounded Gordon. The skeletons disappeared a while ago, seemingly never have been there in the first place. Freeman didn’t question it, couldn’t, really. He had a couple mysteries solved today, and he knew when to quit for the day to let the information settle in. Benrey surprised him by turning his hand around, twisting it and grasping Gordon’s hand in return now, firmly intertwining their fingers. The physicist looked up, in wonder, because even though the mystery was solved, he wasn’t quite used to believing in that solution yet.

Benrey caught his gaze and his eyes seemed endless, bottomless. He looked like he desperately wanted to say something, anything, important, silly, make a sound. But somehow, he just wasn’t able to. Maybe he wasn’t let to say. Gordon let out a breathy laugh, his eyes creasing at the corners as he smiled at the being in front of him. Always seemingly so flat, so unreadable and nonsensical before, yet now somehow familiar, real, and obvious. He furrowed his brow, and Gordon couldn’t help but smile more.

“I can do this, Benrey. I’ve been theorizing and thinking of different outcomes for years. I have a backup plan. I know how to feel about this. Heck, I thought the resonance cascade was it for me. Yet despite that, I went through so much after. I met all of you, and together we fought and got forward, all up to here. The final step, right? Wow. That’s much, much more than I could’ve ever imagined.”

Benrey shook his head choppily, his free hand coming to rest on top of their intertwined ones. Gordon could only smile more looking at it. This was nice. Despite the darkness and the cold water surrounding him. Benrey’s hands were cool, like a cup of tea forgotten on the table and found hours later. Comfortable, and quite soft, he could feel that even through his glove. Gordon thought that he’d like to do this more often, but then just chose to focus on the joy of being able to experience it at least once.

“I want… I want to thank you all. You’ve been great friends. Despite the rudeness,” – he glanced at Bubby behind him, snickering as the scientist looked at him, seemingly completely lost, - “The constant weird speeches,” – he smiled toothily as Dr. Coomer trembled, tightening his grip on Bubby’s shoulders. As Gordon turned to Tommy, the man’s gaze on him unfocused and lost, he thought for a second and then laughed lightly, bell chimes in the wind, - “Can’t say much, you’ve been an entirely great friend, Tommy.”

And then he turned back, and Benrey was even closer than before, and Gordon just kinda lost his thoughts for a moment, face mere centimeters away from the guard’s. He felt his breath hitch in his throat, his gaze drifting down slightly, away from that intense look, but immediately snapping it back upwards, letting himself back up a bit, making much needed distance.

“You…” – he breathed, still a little dazed, and Benrey waited and listened. As Gordon’s heartbeat nearly calmed, he allowed his mouth to turn into a shy smile, uncertain, wavering at the corners. Careful, - “You have been one big ball of mysteries and frustrations to me, Benrey. But that’s not really your fault. I’m… sorry, I didn’t listen. Sorry I didn’t try. Despite it all, thank you for being here, too.”

He could see it, the battle and the hesitation so clear on Benrey’s face. Usually so stoic and neutral, he was being incredibly emotive in comparison. He seemed relieved. But also mostly terrified. Gordon pitied him all the more.

“I’m really sorry. To all of you. I don’t think this is your fault, any of it. Maybe some, but not in a meaningful way. It seems to me you would’ve gotten out already if it was, really,” – he said this louder, so everyone could hear, but he only really looked at Benrey. Gordon has never seen him so worried. He didn’t like seeing it, he decided right there and then.

He raised his right arm out of the water and felt the air around him instantly tense up. Benrey, the only one Gordon could let himself see then, went cold and still like stone, his hand slacking in his hold. Gordon took this opportunity to free his good arm and grip his right elbow, steadying the gun, and turning the end of it on himself, laying it flat to the HEV suit, right under where his ribs would be. The material wasn’t as sturdy down there, he learned.

“Gordon! Put it away, please!” – Benrey piped up, leaning forward and trying to grab at his hands, but the physicist successfully dodged by leaning back, however losing his balance and falling into the water, submerging himself completely.

As the muddy watery substance filled his ears, he could faintly hear splashing, as he used his legs to push himself away from Tommy and Benrey, moving his legs up and down enough to move away but not enough to raise real splashes to see from the outside. He felt like a kid again, swimming underwater and playing tag with his parents and siblings in the sea. That was a good memory. He held onto it as he focused, seemingly have swam away far enough and bracing himself.

They’ll be okay, he thought then with certainty. The Science Team has gotten through so much. He had no doubt they’ll get home and have their good end after he, now the final boss, is defeated. Never thought silly video game logic would be what got him killed, he also thought. But then again, he couldn’t have predicted a lot of shit that they had to deal with. Never could have predicted Benrey, and what he really thought of him, not until the very end. But he did figure it out, still. That’s a victory in his book.

Gordon felt the corners of his mouth tugging upwards, and as he sensed something move beside him, he aimed his right arm towards his middle, and squeezed.

After that, there was only deafening silence and never-ending darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \-------  
> Cries forever a lovely person that goes by @nekoxarien on Tumblr made an illustration for this chapter..... Please go check it out it's so cool and atmospheric and hhhhhh  
> https://nekoxarien.tumblr.com/post/626293446394691584/i-read-this-amazing-fic-and-i-just-had-to-draw  
> \-------


	2. Chapter 2

At first, there was nothing and no one. It was dark, silent and lonely. None of the senses seemed to work, no body to worry about, no thoughts to panic over, no world to battle surrounding all around. But then, slowly but surely, there was… something. A sensation, a sign. Deep within, something clawing its way out. Then came the steady lulling beating. Moving rhythmically, unchanging. His heartbeat.

All at once, he knew who he was. Gordon Freeman, a theoretical physicist, that’s how he was known. A divorced man, a father of one. Left alone by every relative he knew growing up, forgotten like an unpleasant memory. That was fine, he reminded himself. He’s grown used to it. The feeling of being himself, of understanding and accepting his own feelings and thoughts without fear – it was all worth it now, much more than the accusing stares and constant nagging. He was whole. He was himself. He was… still here.

The only problem was - he couldn’t really decipher where that “ _here_ ” is.

He felt his left arm, his fingers trembling and slowly moving. It was an effort, but he got there, feeling the palm of his hand with his fingertips, nails scraping the skin lightly. Unkempt. He should fix that.

Then, he tried the other arm. But as he willed himself to move, to feel, he came back blank. “ _Ah yeah,_ ” – he remembered. – “ _The ambush._ ” That was to be expected, there was no arm to feel there after all. He let himself breathe, the thought settling down into his mind gracefully, like a small rock falling into the sand underwater, burying itself with the current. He will have to get used to this.

Next, he tried his legs—

“Mr. Freeman!” – came a quiet cry, and the sound of it made Gordon pause. He felt movement around him, arms resting on his chest, barely gripping, anxious. – “You’re moving! Can you hear me, Mr. Freeman? Can you open your eyes?”

Eyes, he had those. It was worth a try. As he raised his eyelids, immediately he had to lower them shut, wincing. There was so much white everywhere, so bright. Come to think of it, it wasn’t even quiet as well – the sounds of distant voices, high-pitched yells and screeches, laughter. The breeze danced around on the bare skin of his face and neck and through his hair. It was a nice sensation. How has he not noticed that before?

“Oh, I’m so sorry! I’ll close the blinds, hang on!”

The weight that was near his right side has left. There was a slight sound of struggle. A strange noise. A click and a bang, then a brief feeling of the air moving around, and suddenly there were no more voices and no more breeze. From under his eyelids, he could also feel the light becoming much, much dimmer. He decided to try again then.

As he opened his eyes, it took him a second to blink a couple of times and finally focus, leaving his gaze on Tommy’s worried but smiling face above him. He felt the corners of his own mouth twitching up involuntarily. Tommy had a bright, friendly smile. He always felt like mirroring it.

“Oh, I’m so glad you’re awake, Mr. Freeman! How—How are you feeling? Does anything hurt?” – the smile was gone, a worried frown taking its place. Tommy looked him over, for sighs of what, Gordon wasn’t sure. He honestly thought for a moment, taking in his feelings. He moved his legs a bit, shifting around under the covers. Tilted his head, his neck moving with a light, satisfying pop as he let it stretch in several directions. He raised his left arm from under the covers, watching his own hand like it was some weird new tech just freshly invented in the labs. He watched his hand close in a tight fist, and then let it come loose. It fell at his side, comfortably settling into the soft covers. As he turned his attention back to Tommy, he nodded. – “Oh, that’s—That’s so great, that’s wonderful, Mr. Freeman!”

“I can’t feel my right arm,” – he heard himself croak, and Tommy hurried to pick up a glass of water from the stabilized tray he has been holding, helping Gordon move into a more comfortable position with just one hand and bringing the glass to his lips with the other. The physicist took the glass with his good hand, Tommy holding it a second longer, testing Gordon’s strength, not going unnoticed. Freeman brought the glass closer, drinking, and noting just how great it felt. He probably hasn’t had any water in days if not for longer. It seemed so delicious then, like the most expensive beverage in the menu of one of those restaurants he used to take his wife out to. He tried it once, tasted just like this, he could swear on it. The only difference being, water didn’t leave him with a buzz, alcohol seeping into his system. As he handed the glass back to Tommy, he let himself catch his breath, drinking it all in one go. The scientist before him gave him an amused smile.

“Your—It’s okay Mr. Freeman, you shouldn’t feel it for now. You probably have trouble feeling your stomach as well if you try to touch it. It’ll turn better in a couple of weeks or so, don’t worry!” – he rambled, slightly excited, smile steady and reassuring.

Gordon gave a pause, letting his words sink in. Then, he abruptly sat up, throwing the covers off of himself in one swift motion with his good hand. They fell beside him, parts of them slinking down to the floor, as he studied his own body like it was a subject at a dissection table. It seemed almost as unfamiliar as that, anyway.

Right under his usual ones, his stomach was riddled in small scars, skin tissue teary at the edges, coming off to reveal a smoother skin layer underneath. It looked like they’ve been healing for months. He looked at his right and—He had an arm. Healthy, seemingly exactly as it was before it got cut off, even down to the hairs curling in all directions. The only difference was another scar, like a ring around his arm just below his elbow. This one seemed even more fitting, proper, like it’s been there for a while, maybe a year. He touched it with his left hand and the seam felt almost completely flush with his skin. But as he tried to move his right arm, he could only see the fingers twitch lightly, and nothing else happening, no matter how hard he tried.

“The, uh… The body has to get used to this, it’s new, Mr. Freeman. So it’s going to take about a couple of weeks, but you’re gonna gradually get better at using it, promise! My dad helped many people like that, it always works the same, there’s—There’s no need to worry!” – Tommy blabbered, words fast, quick to reassure. Gordon glanced up at him, confused.

“Your dad?” – he questioned, if only a tiny bit lost.

“Yeah, my—You’ve seen him before, he should’ve visited you back at the—The facility. He usually wears a suit and carries around a briefcase. Appears and disappears out of nowhere. It’s funny, don’t ever try playing hide and seek with him, you’ll lose!” – Tommy giggled, full of glee, but Gordon could only flinch lightly, brows going up.

Oh, _that_ guy, he thought. That really did explain some things then. Maybe. He decided that he’ll save the questioning for later.

“Oh, I brought you soup, Mr. Freeman! Dr. Coomer he—He made it and said to come see you! I don’t know how he knew you’d wake up, but you did! I’m so glad! Here, have it!” – Tommy picked up a very familiar bowl and spoon off of the tray, handing in to Gordon, but after a moment he hesitated. – “Would you like me to help you eat?”

“No, no. Let me try doing it myself,” – he answered, determined, and shifted around, sitting up completely. He tried not to think about the unmoving dead weight at his right side, taking a spoon with his left hand and gesturing Tommy to put the bowl down with his chin.

It took a little bit of getting used to, but in a little while, Gordon did devour the entire bowl. Vegetable cream soup, rich flavor, lots of spices. Reminded him about something from his childhood. He refused to think about it, focusing on the sensation of warmth filling his stomach and the voice of Tommy as the man rambled happily about his dad as background noise. Gordon was only half listening.

Something alerted his senses as he finished eating. Little footsteps, fast, many of them. He got reminded of one of the many aliens they’ve faced back at Black Mesa, his left hand letting go of the spoon and gripping onto his dead weight of a right hand, squeezing at the elbow and raising it up, ready to shoot—

“Oh, Sunkist! Hello!” – Tommy piped up. He turned to the door fast enough when hearing the pitter patter of his paws on the floor to not see the ridiculous way Gordon was holding his own slack arm like a weapon. – “Say hi to Mr. Freeman, Sunkist! He’s awake, see!”

The dog streaked closer, throwing his front legs up and onto the bed, steadying himself and tilting his face at Gordon, then shaking it around, long fluffy ears flying about before settling back into their usual position. As Gordon let go of his arm, letting it fall again, Sunkist sniffed it, sneezing, and then licked the hell out of it. The sensation barely registerable to Gordon, but still there – light, wet strokes of a rough tongue. Freeman let out a breathy laugh, letting himself relax and lightly scratching the dog’s head with his good hand, hearing his tail making a joyous beat against the hard floor beneath, out of his vision.

As Gordon looked up, Tommy was smiling widely at him, and he couldn’t help but try to match the expression, making the man seemingly even more happy. Then the moment fell apart immediately as the door opened with a loud slam against the wall, one flared up Bubby coming in with a hasty Coomer right behind him, clasping his hands in delight as his eyes fell on the physicist.

“Hello, Gordon! Happy to see you are awake!” – he sing-songed, cheerful as ever, moving forward to stand besides Tommy.

“About time,” – Bubby grumbled, but there was a clear smile on his face, visible sharp teeth. He went after Dr. Coomer, but stayed at the end of the bed, taking hold of it to let himself rest next to it comfortably.

“Hello, Dr. Coomer, and hey Bubby. Glad to see you too, guys,” – Gordon greeted honestly. Unbeknownst to everyone but Sunkist, he shifted just so his right hand was out of sight, somehow finding himself feeling self-conscious about it for some reason. He chose not to dwell on it. – “Thank you for the soup, Dr. Coomer. It was very delicious.”

“Ah, my prized recipe! Glad you found it enjoyable, Gordon!” – the scientist beamed, hands clapping loudly in a joyous gesture.

“You better have. He wouldn’t shut up about it, making it for what, weeks now? All for you to try it when you first wake up. Like _you_ would ever appreciate,” – Bubby was direct as ever, looking at the physicist pointedly, accusingly, even though he didn’t really do anything wrong. Yet.

“Wha—I _just_ said I found it delicious. Get off, man,” – Gordon snarled but without any real malice, unable to contain an amused chuckle, looking between the two elder scientists.

“Now, Bubby, dear, the soup is for everyone, and for you as well. And if you find it so delectable, we should go and have another serving each!” – Coomer exclaimed, practically beaming as he turned to the other scientist. Bubby unhanded the bed and made one, barely noticeable but still a very overt step back.

“That is **not** what I meant, Harold. I have eaten more in this past week than I have in my entire life I think, I don’t need—“ – however, he had no chance to rebut as Dr. Coomer was already at his side, taking his hand eagerly and swishing their hands together between them as he used his free one to guide Bubby to turn around by his shoulder.

“Now, there’s no need to be shy, Dr. Bubby, it is my duty as the current Science Team chef—“

“Self-proclaimed,” – Bubby muttered, trying to turn around and throw daggers at Gordon but failing as he was being led out of the room.

“Yes, - to satisfy your hunger to the best of my abilities! Another serving of the vegetable soup it is! Come now, let me pour you a bowl,” – Coomer continued, pleased, and Bubby didn’t even seem to be trying to get out of his grip anymore, just hunching his shoulders and moving out of the room with him.

“It’s all your fucking fault Freeman, I will burst like a goddamn balloon all because you couldn’t not be a fucking baby, laying in you crib like a—,“ – his insults were mostly futile, however, as a great portion of them got muffled as he and Dr. Coomer left far enough down the corridor. Gordon returned his attention to Tommy then, and seeing his expression, he burst into laughter right after his friend did.

He never thought about having to deal with the usual Science Team shenanigans in a domestic environment before, but honestly, it felt nice. He liked this, being surrounded by the people he knew, by his friends. Joking around and checking in on him, Tommy telling him more about his dad, it was all surprisingly nice. Especially Sunkist who was now halfway on the bed, moving up to lick at his face, making Gordon laugh even more, shoving the doggo away lightly. It was peaceful. It was calming. The physicist didn’t remember the last time he felt like this. Maybe when he had his own family, when it all just started, long ago. It was nice to be reminded of the feeling of belonging somewhere, with some special people.

There was a light knock at the doorframe, and as Gordon raised his chin to look in the direction, his green eyes met up with some dark, black ones. He felt a chill run up his spine, a frightful reminder, but it was only there for a moment as he saw Benrey stumble into the room with surprising uncertainty, his left hand resting and gripping onto his right arm’s elbow lightly in a clear show of nervousness. That wasn’t something Gordon ever saw before. It made him feel… unarmed, and like he never should have ever wanted to fight. He barely remembered feeling angry and stressed and annoyed constantly. Seeing the being standing at the end of his bed now, having moved there with small, careful steps, as if not to frighten Gordon for some reason, made him feel like a fool. He never thought Benrey could even look like that.

And then he remembered. The solution to the puzzle. The answer to his wonders. The palm of his left hand buzzed lightly with a ghostly sensation of soft hands around it.

“Hey, Benrey! I will go and bring the dishes to the kitchen. How about you keep Mr. Freeman company in my place now?” – Tommy chimed, his expression relaxed and understanding as he eyed the… now probably ex security guard. Gordon will have to ask about that, ask if he ever even was one in the first place.

“Sure bro, I will watch the baby now. My turn at the crib,” – and as soon as he opened his mouth, Freeman was already groaning, stifling a breathy laugh. So he was probably at the door when Bubby and Coomer left to have heard what they said. Now, Gordon wondered for just how long he was there in total.

Tommy smiled at Benrey and stood up, silently gesturing for Sunkist to follow and stepping away towards the door. As he was about to leave, he turned around one last time to look over at Gordon, whose gaze was somehow glued to the scientist, seemingly a little lost. Tommy gave him a reassuring smile then, as well.

“You should be able to stand up and move whenever you want to, but I would still recommend asking someone to help you on your feet first, okay, Mr. Freeman? Benrey will help you when you’d want to leave the room. I’ll be in the kitchen with the others if you need me,” – and so, with one toothy smile, and with a huff from Sunkist, they left, the door shutting behind them with a soft thud.

And then, there was silence.

Well, not immediate. First there was the sound of Benrey going around to the side of the bed, sitting down at Gordon’s feet in a gesture of clear uncertainty, moving around a bit before he seemingly found a comfortable position, looking up to see the physicist’s eyes again, only for them to be pointedly turned away now. Despite himself, the being let out a sigh. Maybe slightly annoyed. Gordon couldn’t really focus on that currently, however.

He was looking around now, recognizing his own room, - which should’ve been obvious judging by the familiar bedsheets and dishes he has been interacting with, but Gordon couldn’t really blame himself for not thinking right after what he’s been though, - the windows and the blinds now closed and the clothes that would usually litter the stool and cupboard’s doors nowhere to be found. In fact, it just seemed like somebody cleaned the entire place up completely. As he looked past Benrey and onto the nightstand, there was no dust resting there, the surface seeming so new and shiny now. He’d have to ask around and thank whoever decided cleaning up his messes while he was out was a good idea.

Then, he let himself touch his own stomach with his good hand, fingertips gliding against skin, and, just as Tommy said, he didn’t really feel the touch at all, only a dull sensation just below his ribs. It felt… cold and distant. Gordon really did hope the sensation would get better with time, he didn’t like the feeling.

“Your uh… Tum-tum acting up, Feetman? Nonresponsive, just like Tommy said? Nothing at all?” – Benrey’s voice was uncertain but even. The physicist recognized him _trying_ and making conversation, about something that clearly made them both uncomfortable. Straight to the point. Well, two could play at that game – he will have to try as well.

“Not really. It’s dull. Tommy did say it should get better after a while,” – he answered absentmindedly. Surprisingly, the more he reminded himself about it, the more he believed it. Despite how strange it was, Gordon felt reassured and like he didn’t have to worry. And so he decided he wouldn’t.

“No wonder. You really—You really did a number on—You…” – and the more Benrey tried, the more he stumbled with his words, up to the point of bringing his speech to an abrupt stop, lowering his head in one swift motion. Gordon looked him over, curious, unknowing. He still had his helmet on his head, his expressions weren’t as hard to read in the daylight though, even with the blinds closed. The rest of his clothes were unfamiliar, just like with the rest of the Science Team, he now recognized. Dark shorts and a t-shirt with a tacky print, something colorful but Gordon couldn’t really see the words written on top of the art as Benrey’s arms were in the way, holding onto the bed for dear life, his knuckles completely white as he gripped onto the covers. Oh. _Oh_ , that’s not good at all.

“Benrey?” – he questioned, and he really didn’t know what to think. What to expect. Certainly not for the guard to turn around, rubbing at his face with both of his hands now, the helmet shifting upwards at the motion. Gordon scooted closer, now concerned. – “Benrey, are you—“

“You’re such a fucking idiot, Freeman. Fucking—moron, I can’t stand it. I can’t comprehend it. What the fuck were you thinking, what—Playing around like that, haven’t you—Were you ever told that guns are dangerous? Huh? That bullets go hurty? How the fuck do you not know this, why would you—“

Half of it, Gordon could barely hear, Benrey’s hands in the way of his words, muffling the sound. The fact that his voice was wavering and quiet didn’t help either. The physicist moved even closer then, his hand dragging behind him, and he hastened to make it keep up, laying it at a right, comfortable position at his side. As he was done, he looked up quickly, about to start his questioning, but he just, couldn’t.

Benrey was staring at him now, eyes watery, from under the helmet’s brim, fists clenched at his cheeks, mouth a barely visible tense line. Gordon let out a breath, searching his face and still not understanding what he was seeing.

“I… what?” – he blurted up, dumbstruck, and Benrey snarled softly, seemingly… annoyed? Now this was a role reversal.

“Your stupid dumb fingernail nerf gun. You used in on yourself. How fucking stupid do you have to be to do that, huh? How fucking—dense and completely dumb and uncool and entirely—“ – he explained, stumbling through his words. Gordon got the memo, yet the way the information was getting to him, the intonation of Benrey’s words, the exasperation, the tears, the sheer anger and clear panic. He’s seen it all before, of course, experienced it himself but, seeing Benrey do it? It felt… wrong, unreal. Like something was very off.

“I’m… sorry?” – he proposed, uncertain himself, yet it seemed to anger the being even more, muted red seeping out of the corner of his mouth, going up-up-up to the ceiling in a couple of small bubbles. Sweet Voice, Gordon recognized. That’s a weird color, he also thought.

“You’re—you’re lucky your stupid doo-doo plan worked. You’re lucky it aaaall worked out and now you’re sitting here staring at me like a dumb baby idiot. We’re all lucky. We’re all…” – he started heatedly yet trailed off at the end, seemingly choked up. Benrey looked away, and Gordon felt like the biggest shit-stain in the whole universe.

He reached out, desperate to make it better somehow, laying his one good hand on the being’s shoulder lightly, hopefully squeezing reassuringly as he leaned even closer, searching his face. Benrey flinched at the sensation but didn’t really move away. Instead, his bleary eyes met Gordon’s, giving him one long, heavy stare, and then he latched onto his hand, dragging it to his chest and holding it tightly there. Securely. Freeman could hear his heart thump out a march against his ribcage.

“You’re a dumbass,” – Benrey stated flatly, his voice familiarly even now, steady and deadpan.

“I know. But I had to do something,” – Gordon explained, and before the being could protest, he continued, finding his fingers as he twisted his wrist and intertwining their hands together. Just like back then. – “I still don’t know everything, but if it worked, I think I understood correctly, yeah? You all got out safe and sound, right?”

“Not right away, no,” – Benrey stated, and looked away briefly, remembering.

The way the cavern came caving in as he screamed deafeningly, enraged, hurt, like an animal. The way the rest of the Science Team got out only to call out to him. The way his twisted limbs and body wrapped itself around his small unmoving form, refusing to let it disappear, to let go. The cacophony of gray and dirt colored Sweet Voice and the skeletons spinning around him, surrounding him rapidly. His own tears flooding the whole thing to the brim. It went on for quite a while then, and as the small body floated up into the air, finally going into a blindingly white light, it went on for even longer afterwards.

“But you did. That means it all worked just like I thought it would. But I didn’t really—Well, I really had no way of knowing what would happen to me after. Weren’t that many options either,” – he chuckled nervously, as Benrey’s gaze turned strict, accusing, piercing him to his very core. Gordon squeezed the being’s hand then, and that seemed to help a little, the ex security guard’s expression turning to a distracted one, glancing at their hands in surprise as if he’s only noticed them just now. Taking the opportunity, the physicist continued: - “And I do agree that it seems stupid but… I couldn’t really, you know? Let you… just let us attack you for no reason.”

Benrey looked up at him again, his eyes almost unreadable, hiding something. Something important. Wonder, maybe. Maybe hope.

“You didn’t want to do this. None of us did, it…” – Gordon let himself shift a bit into a more comfortable position, coincidentally somehow moving even closer to Benrey, his knees now touching his thigh. He sighed. - “It just seemed like the right thing for me to do, especially after I realized how, well… A lot of things were not under your guys’ control. The arm thing, never dying, all the weird phrases Coomer said, and this last fight. You… you knew before, didn’t you?” – at that, he looked up, and Benrey scrambled to look away immediately. Still, Gordon pressed on. - “I think you basically did exactly what I did anyway.”

“Yea well I also—That fight shouldn’t have killed me, I knew that too,” – the being answered, still not looking back. – “ _You_ didn’t even know if you had a chance or not.”

“ _Shouldn’t_ have killed you. But it still could have,” – Gordon stated matter-of-factly, and hunched down, trying to see under Benrey’s helmet, finding his eyes finally looking back, uncertain. - “And I couldn’t take that chance, not after… After the way I’ve treated you. The way I never let you talk and just assumed you were evil all along.”

“And what if I was? What if I still am?” – the being challenged, raising his chin, his gaze as apathetic as it has always been before, mouth in a line. The expression of indifference so familiar from back then.

That’s how he always looked back at the facility, always, unless he was making Gordon laugh. The physicist had noticed, despite his own arrogance. He’s seen the way Benrey looked at him as he was doubling over because of the nonsense that left his mouth seconds ago. There was warmth in his gaze then, the corners of his mouth twitching up. And every time Gordon would turn to him and look at him properly, Benrey would hide it, looking just like he had been before. It was all a farce, Gordon realized, a way to hide his own feelings, the state of them both. For the sake of them both. Benrey knew all along it would do them no good, not with the ending that had been ahead of them.

And despite knowing how stupid his plan was, how he could’ve died, how seemingly everyone was worried over him, Gordon couldn’t help but be glad. It was selfish, and he’d promise himself to never do anything of the sorts again, nothing to bring so much pain to the ones he cared about, ever, but back then, it still felt so much better than going against a person who didn’t even want to fight back. Someone who sacrificed his own feelings and future to get them all out of there. Someone who cared about him, and who he treated so poorly. Trying to relieve him from at least this one final thing, when he finally got though his thick head what was actually going on around him, seemed like the least he could’ve done.

As he came to, realizing that the silence has now grown thick like syrup around them, Benrey now holding his hand even tighter than before, his expression breaking at the seams, worry flickering behind his eyes, Gordon mentally cursed himself for spacing out once again and scrambled to remember what he has been asked, and to find a proper answer.

“No… I don’t think that’s true at all,” – the physicist leaned closer, noticing Benrey’s expression wavering all the more, and as he squeezed his hand back, shifting their fingers in unison, Gordon noticed a light blue, barely visible, now dusting the being’s cheeks.

He chuckled wholeheartedly, amused, as a couple of mauve Sweet Voice bubbles trickled out of Benrey’s barely opened mouth, right before he clasped it closed in a futile attempt to stop any more bubbles from forming. The physicist watched them float, heavy, in his direction, slowly going around him near his shoulder. And again Freeman wondered, even though the mystery has already been solved. He marveled at the solution, thinking that he’d have to make some real effort to get used to knowing it, a light, warm thought setting down in his mind in a brightly lit spot, to revisit again and again later. He sighed watching Benrey struggle to keep eye contact, and it came out suspiciously dreamy, and it was now Gordon’s turn to feel his cheeks heat up as he smiled at the being timidly.

“I… Really am sorry, for everything. I know it doesn’t fix much, but I am. And the fact that I’m still here after it, and you’re all safe as well… You’re right. I feel very lucky about it.” – he grinned, as Benrey just continued watching him, very closely. Maybe, now he really was wondering too. – “And… Thank you, for still being here, after everything that happened. I know our past had been far from a pleasant one, but now that I finally, you know… _Try_ to understand, I really hope you can forgive me, as I make it up to you. If--- if you’d want to, of course! We could now be… We could now be real friends.”

A beat passed, and then there was that apathetic, half lidded gaze back on Benrey’s face, and Gordon felt himself getting immediately worried, expecting himself to have fucked up, even after everything has had gotten fine now, and they were all free and safe, and they have been holding hands, but Freeman just had to go and blabber his mouth and say some stupid—

“Wow. Haven’t even asked, and you’ve already—Already dunked me in the friend zone. Dang Feetman, disappointing to say the least.”

Gordon was quiet for approximately three seconds, the cogs slowly turning in his head with almost an audible creak, and after a lightbulb finally turned on over his head, he suddenly doubled over, bringing Benrey’s hand with him as he held onto his stomach, howling with laughter, bright red spreading onto his face, neck and ears, completely flustered now. Above him, barely audibly, Benrey snickered.

“Listen I,” – the physicist mustered, trying to sit up again and face the being, actual tears in his eyes as he let out a couple of final giggles, a trembling but wide smile glued to his lips, - “We need to, like, start somewhere, okay! Besides, me asking you to—That would just be inconsiderate, we should just—Baby steps and all, yeah, man? Not everything at the same time.”

“So there is a chance. Pog,” – Benrey deadpanned, and it took all of Gordon’s willpower not to double over again.

“Yeah ha, okay man, sure. A chance—God, my stomach is hurting, am I even supposed to feel it? Stop making me laugh!”

“A bro’s laughter is the biggest epic win there is, can’t just prevent me from getting it, Feetman. Will make you laugh all I want, all days long,” – the being answered, grin full of sharp teeth, as Gordon nearly laid down on his side in front of him, their hands, however, never unlinking apart. In a second though, he added with great consideration, - “If your tum-tum do be hurting though, I might give you lower doses of the good ol’ Benny juice. At least for now. Can’t promise much though.”

“Are you like--,” – the physicist struggled to crank his head in a different position, as to see Benrey’s face better from his now very comfortable position of laying down on the sheets below him. – “Are you saying you like my laugh? Wow Benrey, couldn’t have thought you’d be the sappy romantic type.”

“Yea well, I’m just stating facts. Shut up. You’re not my only bro anyway, you know, it’s good to make people you care about laugh, it’s—It’s nice. You ass,” – his tone didn’t change, but the halfhearted excuse made Gordon all the more amused, his grin widening.

“Ah, so you do care about me,” – he noted, eyes never leaving Benrey’s. But despite it being jokey, trying to catch him off guard, the being didn’t miss a beat:

“Uh, yea? I thought we established that,” – he stated, offended.

Gordon shut his mouth then, only lightly gasping before he did. He searched Benrey’s face, but there wasn’t really a trace of something hidden there, not a smile as well. Benrey was being serious. The physicist couldn’t help but gulp, tracing his face with his eyes before letting them fall back down hurriedly. Embarrassed.

“O… oh,” – he voiced, simply, and finally moved to sit back up again, eyeing their joined hands intently, thinking. Then, he let out a sight and looked up again, but his eyes had trouble holding Benrey’s suddenly curious gaze. - “Okay. Yeah, okay. I… care about you too man,” – he finally admitted, earnest.

Benrey was silent, but only for a moment. For the first time ever, Gordon was truly glad the being could never not talk, especially around him. Stupid banter was so much better than staying silent, always had been. He finally came to appreciate that, even though he didn’t think he ever would before.

“Yeah, you just had to go and make this as gay as possible, huh? Gordon Gayman? Gayass? Dang,” – Benrey talked, and his expression was as neutral as it always has been, but there was still that warmth behind his eyes, nowhere as hidden now. Out in the open. He held Gordon’s gaze, and there was comfortable weight to it. Just another thing he’d have to get used to.

“Yeah, maybe,” – Freeman chuckled, and as Benrey gave him a considering look, Gordon just smiled, giddy.

Benrey was still holding his one good hand, and it was getting warm now. Gordon thought that it would be nice if he could hold each of his hands with his instead. Much more convenient this way. As Benrey raised a brow at his soft chortle, he thought that he would definitely have to try that theory out as soon as he gets a chance to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Now for some Sweet Voice translations™:  
> * "muted red seeping out of the corner of his mouth, going up-up-up to the ceiling in a couple of small bubbles" - Claret means "I'm scared";  
> * "The cacophony of gray and dirt colored Sweet Voice" - Dirt means "Hurt", Gray means "Afraid";  
> * "a couple of mauve Sweet Voice bubbles trickled out of Benrey’s barely opened mouth" - Mauve means "In love".
> 
> If you liked this, feel free to let me know what you thought in the comments :') I haven't written in ages, and I've barely ever written anything in English, certainly never something so long, so I would appreciate any feedback you have.  
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter as @lillovingsoul and on Instagram as @lillovingsoull and @lilchillingsoul.  
> And again, thank you for your time, and I hope you have a wonderful day! :D


End file.
